<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>if love is fire, then i'll burn for you. by orphan_account</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25513600">if love is fire, then i'll burn for you.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Call the Midwife</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, F/M, Pining, Sharing a Bed, Sort Of, the pining is what it's all about</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 06:06:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,076</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25513600</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Lucille just trying to figure stuff out.</p><p>(not really finished but who knows if i ever will)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Lucille Anderson/Cyril Robinson, Lucille Anderson/Valerie Dyer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i've only written one fanfic before this but i guess isolation got to me</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as the words leave his mouth, Lucille is sure. </p><p>“I love you, Nurse Anderson.”</p><p>Cyril grins down at her and leans forward to press a kiss to her cheek. Lucille closes her eyes briefly to try to capture the moment, somehow. She’s not sure why really, maybe to hold on to what she knows will be the last piece of ‘normal’ in her life. Cyril is steady, comfortable - she knows her mother would adore him. She meant it when she said he was a fine man. </p><p>But Cyril doesn’t make her feel the way <em> she </em> does. He doesn’t make her heart feel like it’s about to jump right out of her chest at the mere thought of him. He doesn’t make her hands tremble whenever they sit just that little bit closer on the sofa together. He doesn’t make her breath catch when he walks into a room. Not like <em> she </em> does.</p><p>Lucille can sense the Sisters’ eyes watching them and she realises that she hasn’t responded. She should reply, should have those feelings for him. It’s been well over a year since their first date. Instead, Lucille smiles in what she hopes is a reassuring way. She can’t deal with this right now, at least not in front of everyone. So she turns and walks away, out of his steady hold. Into what, Lucille isn’t sure. </p><p>What Lucille is sure of though, is the way her heart only runs to one person. As she watches the fireworks light up the clear November night sky, she is sure of how <em> right </em> it feels. Holding on tight to the girl on her arm, trying to keep the cold from creeping in and making her shiver, Lucille is sure that she loves Valerie Dyer. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>She knows it’s not fair, to Cyril or herself, pretending to feel things she doesn’t. With Christmas just around the corner, Lucille knows that she needs to break it off soon. The opportunity presents itself when Sister Monica Joan informs her that “a certain young mechanic” is waiting for her in the kitchen. Lucille takes a moment to compose herself. She has no idea what she’s going to say to him. How is she supposed to explain that she doesn’t love him in the way that he wants her to? The way that he deserves. She can hardly tell him the truth. “Sorry, Cyril. I don’t love you because I’m completely and utterly head over heels in love with my best friend. I only agreed to go out with you because everyone else thought it would be a good idea and I thought maybe the feelings would come later. But they haven’t.” </p><p> </p><p>No, probably not the best idea. </p><p> </p><p>The sound of footsteps behind her breaks Lucille from her thoughts. She turns to see the woman that had been on her mind, quite a common occurrence lately, striding towards her with a big grin. Lucille immediately smiles back at her, she can't help it - it's a reflex now - and her heart does a little jump. But her smile must come off a bit sad, because Val's brows furrow and she tilts her head softly. </p><p>"You alright, Luce?" Val questions and <em>oh Lord, this is not helping matters. </em></p><p>"Fine, just-" She's not sure if she should tell Valerie what she's about to do, it's already complicated enough. "Cyril's waiting for me in the kitchen."</p><p>"Ah. Taking you out for chips again? Well, I'd best leave you two to it." Val says, moving to head for the stairs. Lucille can't help but notice that her smile is smaller and doesn't quite reach her eyes like it did moments ago. It makes her heart ache.</p><p>"Wait," she calls, reaching for Valerie's hand. As she turns back, their eyes meet. She takes a breath and lowers her voice - the last thing she needs is Cyril overhearing. "I'm going to end it with him." </p><p>The green eyes staring back into her own widen for a few seconds, then flash with <em>something</em> that's gone too quickly for Lucille to recognise. She's seen it before. Lucille can still picture the moment clearly from a few weeks before the night with the fireworks.</p><p> </p><p>_______<br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <em>They’ve pushed the makeshift beds much closer together than they needed to. There’s plenty of space to walk by - or for Phyllis to do her Canadian Air Force routine. It was just the two of them tonight, Nurse Crane had just been summoned out to twins, leaving Trixie next on call with Sister Frances and the young doctors. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"I feel like a little kid on a sleepover, all giddy," Val confesses. They're laying so close that she barely needs to speak above a whisper. "I'm not sure I'll be able to get to sleep."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Good job these beds are so comfortable then," she jokes. Her mouth pulls into a smile as she watches Val tilt her head back slightly and giggle, closing her eyes softly.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>After everything she went through last year with the trial, Lucille takes every opportunity she gets to try and make her laugh or to see that big grin spread across her face. There was a moment where she thought Valerie would never smile again. Now she tries to memorise every curve, how she gets little crow's feet at the corners of her eyes, the one dimple that appears when she really laughs. The way it makes her heart soar.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lucille knows it's dangerous to be thinking like this, especially with the other nurse lying so close. If only she could reach out, just let Val know much she truly cares with a simple touch. It's strange - all of the stories she's read, all of the poems, and yet she still can't find the words to describe what she's feeling. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lost in her thoughts, Lucille's hand inched towards Val's. The moment they touched, Valerie's breath hitched causing Lucille to snap out of her daydream. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Valerie seemed to be frozen still, like she was scared that any sudden movement would break the younger girl. Almost instinctively, Lucille tenderly stroked her thumb over the knuckles beneath. She had always admired Val's hands. How delicately they worked to bring new life to the world. How strong they could be, too, holding and supporting the terrified young mothers. Or when she held a cigarette loosely between her fingers, Lucille found it difficult not to stare. Now they were trembling slightly under Lucille's touch. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Finally meeting her eyes, Val took a deep breath in. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Lucille, what-"</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The door opened. Val snapped her mouth shut and tore her hand away, leaving Lucille's hanging in the air with nothing to hold on to.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Sorry, I left my cardigan up here. Mrs Connoway has gone into labour." Lucille heard Trixie say from behind her. Then she left as quickly as she came. But it was too late, the moment was gone. Lucille slowly pulled her hand back onto her own side, her eyes never leaving Val's.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She looked... confused? Scared, almost - as if she was anticipating something bad was about to happen. But there was a glint of something else. Hope, maybe? Lucille wanted it to be hope so desperately. She didn't want to be alone in whatever this feeling was. She wondered for a brief moment if her own brown eyes reflected the same look back to Valerie. Lucille wanted to ask but she didn't know what she was asking. Then it was too late as Val turned away onto her other side and pulled the blanket up over herself all the way under her chin.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"Goodnight, Val," she said, softly to the back that was now facing her. The only reply Lucille received was a faint hum, before she closed her eyes and tried not to dream of holding soft hands and longing stares.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I’m going to end it with him.”</p><p>“What’s happened? Has he done something? I swear if he-”</p><p>Lucille holds a hand up to stop Val’s train of thought. “It’s nothing like that, I promise.” She can’t let Cyril take the blame, it’s hardly his fault. “Sometimes feelings change, that’s all.”</p><p>At this, the older nurse just looks even more confused than she was before. “But I thought…” she begins. “You love him, Luce.”</p><p>Valerie says this with such conviction that Lucille wants to shake her and shout so loud that she wakes the whole convent.</p><p>
  <em>I love YOU. Can’t you see? I’m so in love with you I can barely stand it anymore.</em>
</p><p>“Maybe the feelings were never there to begin with,” she says so quietly, as if finally admitting this out loud will mean that it’s true. She’s not even sure Val heard her, she can’t look back up into her eyes. “Maybe I just wanted them to be there because I was scared.”</p><p>“Scared? Of what?” Valerie’s voice is so painfully soft that Lucille wants to just fall right into her arms. In that moment, it feels like everything would be okay, as long as she had Val there with her, holding her close.</p><p>But a noise from the direction of the kitchen reminds her that Cyril’s here. He’s here because she’s going to break up with him. Lucille shakes her head and starts to walk away, muttering an apology.</p><p>“Scared of what, Lucille?” she hears Val call after her, but she doesn’t look back.</p><p> </p><p>Cyril took it well, just like she knew he would. Lucille had been avoiding him for the last few months, and it almost breaks her heart a little bit to know that he probably expected it. She told him that he could still come over, that she’d still like to be friends. He’d smiled when she said that Sister Monica Joan would miss him too much if he didn’t visit. He didn’t ask any questions, just went very quiet and left quickly with a sad look on his face.</p><p>Lucille expected to feel free, like a weight had been lifted. Instead she just feels lost. It’s been a few weeks since she’d broken up with Cyril, but Valerie seems determined to never talk about what’s going on between them, and Lucille doesn't know how to start the conversation. <em>If there even is anything going on between us.</em> Ever since she almost confessed, Lucille feels like she’s made the whole thing up. There are no lingering looks, no huddling together on the sofa even though there’s plenty of room, no sneaking off to raid Val’s not-so-secret chocolate stash, no little touches of reassurance accompanied by shy smiles. Of course, Val is still friendly towards her, if she avoided her all together Lucille is sure someone would notice. No - it’s just the small, secret moments. Sometimes she can feel Valerie looking at her from across the room. Lucille doesn’t dare turn around, just in case she isn’t. No, that would be unbearable.</p><p>In the run up to Christmas, Lucille thinks a lot about Scotland. About when they were up in the Outer Hebrides, and how she had almost revealed, to Trixie and Val, her secrets. How she had felt trapped on her island, by her father and the life planned out for her. So she left. Escape plans disguised by promises of adventure and a new life. But the pressures had followed her across the Atlantic, haunted her through her mother’s letters, <em>have you met any young english gentlemen yet?</em> Then she met Cyril, and he was charming and kind and familiar, everybody liked him and Lucille thought maybe she could too. Maybe this was finally what she was waiting for, she could stop running. So she let herself get swept up in him. For a while, it worked. She started to believe that they could have a good life together, she would even be happy. But soon, those soft tones that reminded her of being a child and warm days began to sound like the cold, harsh lectures from her father. <em>You are no longer a child, Lucille. Grow up. You will find a wealthy man who can provide for you. Be a good woman, do your duty.</em> Cyril wasn’t like the men her father had described. It still somehow felt wrong. She was still trapped.</p><p>Then she actually did get trapped on an island. That night spent in the tiny box room of the lighthouse, almost lying in Valerie’s arms, with the wind rampaging around them outside on the sea. Lucille had never felt safer or more free.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>kind of forgot about this oops but here's just another little addition</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i hope you enjoyed this :) if not then i'm sorry for wasting your time :/ </p><p>let me know if you'd like me to write more to this because it will motivate me to actually do it</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>